(Johan) Surfing rules Midnight Runners style, courtesy of Troy Johnson, SURFERmag.
1. Cut someone off once and you get a look; twice and you get a talking to; three times and you get banished, plus you have the word “douchebag” stitched into your wetsuit. (Unless, of course, you rip, in which case you can do whatever you want. (That, by the way, was a joke.)
2. Cities will be mandated to erect “wax stations” on local beaches that will offer free bars of wax to surfers who’ve forgotten theirs. Hey, if nightclubs provide free tampons in women’s restrooms, we can get a little wax, right?
3. The Department of Fish & Game will finally take action, and Stingrays will be eradicated from the face of the earth forever. (Dear PETA: Please send your angry email to letters@surfermag.com).
4. It will be illegal for Hawaiians to estimate a wave’s height using the back of a wave. That is, unless they start to actually ride the backs of waves. (Dear Hawaii: Please direct all “false crack” threats to letters@surfermag.com, and no, we don’t got beef.)
5. All surf schools will just stop it. Seriously.
6. Longboarders will be required to adhere to the “Fair Use Wave Count Act of 2007.” If spotted sitting a mile offshore and paddling into an obscene amount of waves, lifeguards will confiscate the offender’s longboard and use an on-site chainsaw to remove four feet from the board length.
7. If a “surfer” is spotted walking down the beach with nine feet of leash dragging behind him in the sand, that leash will be taken from him. He will be whipped with it, and forced to surf at a hopeless beginners’ break, leashless, until he can swim, and thus earn it back.
8. If you cannot appropriately attach a surfboard to the roof of your car, you cannot ride it. Sorry.
9. The combination of spring suit and booties at a beachbreak will result in the automatic and indiscriminate confiscation of your surfboard. Period.
10. Kelly Slater will be ruled a “monopoly” under the United States’ Anti-Trust Act and banned from entering any further professional surf competitions. He will, however, be permitted to “cavort with smoking hot chicks.”
1 comment:
Sounds about right. However, let Kelly get his 10th world title, then banish him. He should be given HIV too. I mean the guy is married with a kid, he don't need to be diverting the single chicks out there from meeting Average Joe.
As for taking off (snaking) on someone here, I think the rule should automatically jump to number three. There's no reason to snake anyone unless it's been predefined that it is acceptable to do so.
The long board and the chainsaw is dead on.
The Hawaiian measurement I disagree with. It was they who started the sport, and it's an accepted means of measurement in the surfing world. Both Americans and Aussies use it; only kooks (no offence to you Swedes) measure the face.
Wax stations would be great. It's hard enough finding some weak surf shop that has at most 1 bar in stock.
The rule on stingray genocide is not a factor here. I rule against this.
Surf schools should be abolished. Only the really inspired people make the decision to surf. Real surfers learn from the School of Hard Knocks.
Beating of a surfer with a long leash. I'm all for it and I volunteer all my free time to enforce this rule.
Appropriate board attachment to a vehicle is obvious. Especially at the speeds we drive to get to the destination.
Spring suit/booties. I'm fully behind that one.
Good post!
– Jay-
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